It’s harder to make friends as we get older, and I’ve wondered why that is. If you are having the same experience, I hope these concepts are of help. I moved to Virginia in 2015. I’ve struggled to make friends, and in typical-Linda-fashion, I figured there’s something wrong with me. I’ve learned some concepts recently that have relieved my anxiety over this issue. I’d love to share them with you today.
In her best-selling book, The Let Them Theory, author Mel Robbins sheds some rational light on the efforts of making friends. She shares how making friends involves the intersection of three factors: Proximity, Timing, and Energy.
Proximity
First, proximity, which simply means being near someone. Robbins mentions research that shows that two people need to spend around 200 hours together for friendships to begin to form. If we think about our school days, it was so easy to clock 200 hours with people because we were around them every day. When we consider college life, we actually live with people every day, so the are countless hours spent together. It’s no wonder that high school and college friends can sometimes develop into lifetime friendships.
Robbins calls the period after college, “The Great Scatter,” when everyone graduates and goes their own way and begins building their lives. The proximity factor of friendship building will rarely be what it was back in those days. As post-education adults, it’s now more difficult to spend lengthy, quality time with others. We might make some friends at work, if the other two factors line up.
Timing
The second influence on friendship development is timing. We should consider not only are we in the right place at the right time, but are we in the same stage of life as those around us? A single, 25-year-old will likely not build friendships with 45-year-old coworkers who are married and have young kids. Those of us who are grandparents will likely have the most in common with other people not only of similar age, but also similar family situations. Retirees will have the most success at friendship development with other retirees. Of course this is just a guideline, as even the most unlikely match up of people can become friends. This brings us to the third factor for consideration – energy.
Energy
Does our energy level line up with that of others? Some people want to stay close to home, some enjoy an active nightlife, some adventure outdoors, workout, dance, run, etc. I’m an active grandma, and I enjoy being with other active people my age – hiking, dancing, pickle ball, walking, biking and travel. I don’t want to spend my weekends binge watching shows and movies, or eating all the time. I want to move and explore.
Proximity, timing and energy. These make a lot of sense. And this has helped me understand not only why it’s been so difficult to make friends, but it also points me in the right direction to even determine who might be a good friendship match. I hope you find these factors helpful as you navigate the possibilities and build friendships.
Resource: Robbins, Mel. The Let Them Theory. Carlsbad: Hay House, 2024.
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